GeezerD's New Clarified Bible, Genesis 1, Post 1

(It was revealed to OB1)

Through much no great effort I present you with the initial results of my efforts to clarify the Bible. Herewith I present to you the initial verses of the book of Genesis.

In Their idea of the beginning, even though They knew it was going to end with a ginormous amount of pain, suffering, and eternal agony in hell for some of their creation, the Gods went ahead anyway and created the heavens and the earth; and, arbitrarily destined that some of their future creation would not suffer in the end, and destined a whole bunch more of their future creation to writhe in agony forever. This was, of course, before there was anyone around. The English translation later calls these Gods “ God,” and God will reward himself for his/their effort with the title “Love.” For the sake of clarity let’s refer to this singular-plural idea of an agony destining entity as “Godz.”

Now this Godz’s earth, which he/they just created, needed a little finish work, because it turned out to be formless and void, and somehow even though it was formless and void, it was deep formlessness and voidness, and had water hanging around somewhere in relation to the face (as opposed to the butt) of formlessness and voidness. (From this, later iterations of the Godz’s human primate creation will invent a spurious theological statement that, “It’s turtles all the way down.)

Even though there was formlessness and voidness, there was already up and down, because Godz’s spirit hovered over the surface of the waters. “Up” will later prove to be a problematic concept, when it turns out that the earth is round, and up is relative to where the human primate happens to be at the time, and whether or not the human primate is standing on his or her head. But that’s okay, because Godz intended there to be an incongruity for his/their ignorant human primate creations, who, though, through their Godz-given ability to reason, could figure out photosynthesis, would remain clueless about the words of explanation Godz caused to be written, later called the Bible; unless they were destined to understand it.

(To be continued)